Hi, my name is Jolene and I am in recovery from anger.
Anger used to dictate my life.
I can tell you in detail (well what I can remember of it—we’ll get there) the moment I realized I had a problem with anger.
Anger types
First, there are a few different ways that people choose to express their anger.
Anger in:
People with this category of anger then to keep their anger to themselves, and will typically talk themselves out of anger. They will avoid confrontation, but will often hold on to resentments and anger towards those who have hurt you. You have been called a pushover.
Anger out:
You feel better after you have vented about what has angered you, and you prefer confronting issues as soon as they happen. Anger helps you feel empowered. You get angry quickly but also get over it quickly. However, you sometimes 
regret what you have said or done when you’re angry, and you have been told you have a bad temper.
Secondly, there are many types of anger.
There is an anger style quiz that can fairly accurately describe the types of anger you have and how to cope. Notice I said types with an “s” because we are complex people!
Examples of anger styles are:
Anger avoidance, sneaky anger, anger turned inward, sudden anger, shame-based anger, deliberate anger, excitatory anger, habitual hostility, fear-based anger, moral anger, and resentment/hate.
I will work on getting the quiz posted so you can determine for yourself which you are.
Nice Lady/Bitchy Woman
I was someone who was more of an anger in person; I avoided anger and I would turn it inward.
There is a great book called The Dance of Anger, written Harriet Lerner; the book targets women’s anger in particular and I recommend reading it. She goes on to describe that there are two types of angry women: The Nice Lady and the Bitchy Woman.
I will often change the language if I am talking to a mixed crowd or to men, because it applies to everyone, in my opinion.
The nice lady does not like to rock the boat. She is nice. People like her. She does not expose any differences between her and another, and she rarely gets upset.
The bitchy woman, as you can imagine, is outspoken about what she feels is wrong. It is a more aggressive approach to anger.
Despite having completely opposite approaches to expressing their anger they both wind up with the same result.
The Nice lady, when she finally loses it, typically gets pushed over the edge by something small that has probably happened before but she never spoke up about it.
She explodes (in whatever way that looks) and emotions pour out—typically tears are involved. The people around do not know what to do with all of this emotion and are confused as to where it is coming from.
They get so distracted and overwhelmed by the display that the emotion is the focus and not the actual problem.
The bitchy woman, when she is actually upset about something, and really needs to be heard is not taken seriously and the problem is not addressed because that’s just how she is—she’s just dramatic.
My Confession
I was a nice lady. I probably still am, although I strive for kind instead of nice.
Things would bottle up, and bottle up—on the outside I was looking cool as a cucumber, but on the inside, I was boiling. I would cry, or yell, or throw my cell phone (into pillows—I didn’t want to break it), or maybe even some combination. It’s not a fun way to live, it is exhausting, and you accumulate resentments.
Ticking Time Bomb
The moment I realized I needed to get my anger in check was back in 2007. I had been dating a guy off and on for 8 years and it was an emotional relationship. The kind you have in college when you’re still trying to figure out boundaries, love, lust, etc.
It was a long distance relationship for a little bit, and he was out visiting me in Portland. He had been invited over to a friend’s which we both knew from college. This guy always seemed to give me a hard time for things, but I decided it was going to be fine and that we would have a good time.
We did have a good time. There was a lot of alcohol and I had taken a lot of shots. I think I was trying to keep up with the guys, but I also think I was uncomfortable and it was a good way to relax at the time. At some point things get blurry and that is the same point things get out of control.
I can’t tell you exactly what happened, but I lost it. I got into a screaming match with some stranger, punched a refrigerator that did not belong to me, and even attempted to jump out of a moving vehicle on my way back to my apartment. When we got back we were in a screaming match and I ended up punching my bedroom door of a house I was renting.
I was out of control. My hand was hurt—luckily I didn’t break any bones—and, I had to patch my bedroom door because I had busted up some of the wood.
This was not okay. Something needed to change about myself immediately or something like this would happen again.
Just Breathe
It’s difficult to tell that story, and many people find it hard to believe, but it’s true; it’s also part of my journey that I had to go through to get where I am. I have become more conscious about my emotions and how alcohol has an effect on them, and I have learned to be more honest with myself and others.
Pushing emotions and experiences down and not dealing with them does not work, and it certainly doesn’t do any good to numb feelings with substances.
Anger is a mask for a lot of other emotions—these emotions could be fear, guilt, shame, feelings of hurt, etc. I learned different techniques to slow myself down and evaluate my emotions before I reacted.
For example, the STOP technique is really great.
S– stop in the moment. Stop what you’re doing, whatever it is.
T– take a deep breath in and out.
O– Observe what is going on inside and outside our yourself. Notice your feelings, notice the reactions taking place in your body. Ask yourself what are you responding to?
P– be proactive versus reactive. Make a plan for yourself. Don’t be impulsive but honor your feelings.
I also had to learn how to just breathe, and check my assumptions.
Breathing is a great centering tool. It took me out of my head and into my body. It allowed me to slow down my mind even for a brief moment. Those moments allowed me to look at my thoughts and evaluate which ones were based on facts and which ones were based on assumptions. If it was an assumption I had to challenge it with facts.
This takes practice and time, but ultimately awareness. You cannot do this work without naming what is going on for you.
If anger has been a problem in your life please reach out to Jolene at Mindful Wellness Counseling, today.
