After my undergrad, I took a position at a residential treatment center in Portland. I had just come on at a time when they were switching their treatment modality from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Fresh out of undergrad I was completely unaware of what DBT was but I was eager to learn. What I learned from my experience at this treatment center, as well as what I have continued to learn through my experiences, was that the tools DBT teaches are invaluable.
What is DBT?
DBT looks at this idea of dialectics, having two opposing wants/needs/feelings, and learning how to best cope with such opposing issues. For example, I have encountered many clients who feely lonely and want to connect with others but are afraid to get involved with others for fear of rejection, abandonment or judgment.
DBT helps to look at this sort of situation from multiple perspectives to find the healthiest option. It does so by building skills in mindfulness (our ability to stay in the moment without judgment), distre
ss tolerance (skills needed to make it through emotionally difficult situations), emotional regulation (skills needed to help us have a more balanced view), and interpersonal effectiveness (developing and maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships).
Mindfulness
When we are in the moment with others we are able to pay better attention to cues given by others, either verbally or non-verbally. We are LISTENING and PRESENT. If we are judging our self/the other/or the situation we have stopped LISTENING. We are in our heads. Think of times when you have been conversing with someone and realized you did not hear what they said… most likely you were in your own head.
Another common mindless experience is reading a page in a book. We can get to the end of the page and not remember what was just read. We saw all of the words and we reached the bottom of the page somehow, but you did not retain any of that information. Again, we get in our head and miss information.
Mindfulness is key in developing more peace in our lives, as well as learning and enabling us to make changes through awareness.
Distress Tolerance
Distress Tolerance is a skill set that is short-term focused and is used in moments when we are emotionally overwhelmed. This involves skills like knowing how to self-soothe, use distraction, activities, prayer, etc. The idea is to allow yourself to let go of the emotion you are dealing with and create a space that is more tolerable. When we are in a better space emotionally we are better able to make healthier decisions and cope more effectively.
Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation skills focus on long-term coping abilities. This helps us identify emotions, understand how our emotions and actions are connected, and find healthy ways to balance our thinking by separating fact from feelings. Did you know that many people struggle with being able to identify feelings?!?! Mindfulness will always be an influencer in being able to use these skills. We have to be able to pay attention to the warning signs when we are feeling “bad” and intervene with skills that help take steps to feel better. We have to be aware of our thinking and be able to challenge our thinking. Without mindfulness we lack awareness, without awareness we lack the ability to change.
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Finally, we need to learn our communication styles, and how we deal with ambivalence, or the unknown.
I cannot count on my hands and feet the times clients talk about situations where they make assumptions about other’s feelings, actions, etc. We never know until we explore the ambivalence. If your significant other is more quiet than usual the worst thing you can do is assume it is about you. You just work yourself up. Perhaps it is about you, BUT PERHAPS IT’S NOT. The only way to know is to ask. Get the facts.
Also, we have all heard of passive, aggressive, and assertive, but do we really know what those mean? And, how are these communication styles affecting our relationships?
Sometimes we have toxic people in our lives; people who create unhealthy emotional experiences regularly. Learning interpersonal effectiveness skills helps us determine who is toxic in our lives and also how to manage these people as well so that you stay healthy.
If you feel as if you are struggling with overwhelming emotions or want to try a new approach to address some of your needs, DBT might be a possible solution. Contact Jolene at Mindful Wellness Counseling for an appointment.
